Jeremy G. Pippin

Why.  Why.  Why.  Why?

Wh- but why?  Why would you… why?  Why.  Why.  WHY.

You’re a semi-moderate… why?  Why.  Why?  I don’t underst… why?  What were you going for, the neo-conservative vote?  Who else were they going to vote for, Obama?  They’re neo-cons – as a rule, they don’t like black people, much less liberal, free-thinking ones.  So why?

Why.

WHY?!?

I’m trying to wrap my head around the… WHY?  WHY? She’s like Hermann Göring with breasts.  And you could have grabbed on-the-fence moderates if you hadn’t backed… Why?  Why.

I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I wasn’t going to vote for you anyway.  But I want to understand.  I WANT to understand, John.  Tell me why.  Just send me an email and let me know before my head explodes.  Simple question: why?

What, because she’s a woman and you don’t want to run on the “old white man” platform against the potential first black president of the United States?  Is that why?  Is THAT WHY?  I MUST KNOW WHY!  Please don’t tell me it’s because she’s a feminist – the only resemblance between her and a feminist is a vagina, and I don’t even have proof she has one of those.

And FEMINIST?  Seriously?  You can’t even say that with a straight face, and your face has been stuck like that since 1972.  She’s anti-choice, balks at the rights of rape victims, and tilts about as far to the Christian right as she can without tipping over.  She makes Arthur Schopenhauer look like Ruth Ginsberg.

So… WHY?

Because she’s the governor of the largest state?  Get real; the population of Alaska is like 27, and 15 of those don’t count because they’re Innuit and the government ignores them anyway.  If you put Alaska where Texas is, it’d melt down to the size of Rhode Island.  So why?  WHY?

This is making me NUTS.

Maybe that’s why!  Maybe you brought her on to make your “abstinence only” education platform look sane by comparison.  Was that it?  Was it?  Please tell me what it was, John.  I mean the woman named her kids Todd, Piper, Willow, Bristol, and Trig, so if you’re not running on the “I’m not the craziest one in the room” principle, I don’t know what you’re up to.

Moderate Republicans were going to vote for you, because you’re a bit moderate compared to some of your cohorts, which means you don’t openly wear the swaztika on your lapel.  Neo-conservatives were going to vote for you, because who the hell else would they vote for?  Buchanan?

But some very conservative Democrats might have voted for you because you’ve got more experience than Obama, but now you’ve slapped them across the face with an Alaskan salmon by nominating Rush Limbaugh in a dress as your running mate.   So what are you playing at?

There must be a reason.

There must be a reason.

There must be a reason.

There must be a reason.

There must be a reason.

There must be a reason.

There must be a reason.

There must be a reason.

Is it because she’s young and pretty and you look like you’re going to go into cardiac arrest if the Secretary of Labor cuts a loud fart?  Is that it?  Surely there was another pretty Republican woman you could have chosen – hell, even Ann Coulter would have been a better choice than Sarah Freakin’ Palin.  A rhesus monkey would have pulled more votes for you, if for no other reason than sheer novelty.

And how did you let this pregnant daughter thing slip past you?  HOW?  I mean what kind of vetting process misses that SARAH PALIN’s teenage daughter is pregnant out of wedlock?  What did you do to vet her – ask the guy at the Starbucks where she buys her coffee?  Google her?  Oh, wait, guess you did.

I mean, Jesus, John.  Why?  Why did you… why?  WHY?

Is that burning toast I smell?  Aaaagghhhhrrrr….

Love, Pip