Jeremy G. Pippin

If a dream really is a wish your heart makes, does that mean my heart’s secret desire is to be chased naked by my junior high science teacher and her army of giant mutant crabs?

Because full-screen internet porno takes a lot of memory.

Because the world doesn’t have enough screwed-up kids.

Hey, I got the greatest deal. I got a Nikon D200 at the camera shop for only three thousand bucks. The guy said it was worth like, twice that. And then I got a couple of lenses for it – well, six lenses, actually. I figure, if I’m going to drop three grand on a [...]

Mystery solved. I looked it up, and the correct way to spell the phrase that follows “I am the walrus” is…

Stop having plastic surgery. Now.

Very tired but want to tell you about this amazing insight I just had cause I’m not sure I’ll remember it in the morning. I believe that the meaning we as a species have been looking for can possibly be found in gbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

I met her in the Apple Store. That’s how I first knew we had something in common. I caught her gorgeous black eye out of the corner of mine. She was staring at me, openly and boldly, as if daring me to make a move. I knew I shouldn’t. I was committed already, to one [...]

Dude, I’m so high right now. I’m so high! Dude, I smoked like… uh… what? Oh, yeah. Dude. I’m so high. I had this fattie and I so smoked it. And then Troy was like, “Dude. you totally smoked that whole thing” and I was like, “Dude!” Dude. You want some of this? It’s my [...]

Ah, that time of year has come at last. Every year, around this time, exciting red and blue and green packages appear on the shelves at my local Albertson’s. And every year, around this time, I buy one of those shiny foil-covered boxes, remove one of the contents, and eagerly eat it. And every year, [...]