Not anymore.

I’ve whipped up a little freebie web app called SL»DB that makes it dead simple for you to set up your own web database and send/retrieve data from within Second Life objects with no knowledge of PHP or MySQL.

All you need is a PHP/MySQL-equipped shared web hosting account (such as one you’d set up to run a WordPress blog or phpBB forum). After a simple, 5-minute setup, you’ll have your own permanent data storage solution that you can easily use any time you’d like with a couple of pre-made custom functions in LSL.

DOWNLOAD SL»DB

Last week, I found myself shivering with cold sweats. It had been ages since I had spent a ridiculous amount of money on a marginally useful gadget. So, despite the fact that I already have a Palm Tungsten T5, I picked up the nearly identical Palm TX.

Here are my thoughts:

Build

The first thing I did when I opened the Palm TX was grope at it like a 13-year-old boy feeling up his first boob.

No, really. It was just like that. I had to struggle with the packaging, find the secret catch in the back, fumble it open, and slip a hand underneath it just to squeeze the thing a bit.

It looks almost like metal – has this oddish black chrome coating like gun bluing. And it feels almost like metal, but get this… when you bite it, it’s plastic. Go on; try it. Come to think on it, I wonder if biting it ruins the warranty?

Anyway…

Just like the almost-looks-like- and almost-feels-like-metal body, the TX comes complete with an almost-looks-like- and almost-feels-like-suede cover. This almost-looks-like an attractive PDA.

But… and this is the really important part, and I’m sure the part you guys were all actually curious about…

the stylus is real metal.

That’s right. Pure, 100% real … i don’t know… steel or something. The only bit of material in the whole damn thing that seems to be completely what it looks and feels like. We’re talking $0.03 of quality Chinese steel; now that’s quality.

Still, the thing fits perfectly in your hand (unless you’re Gary Colema) and makes you look all serious and businesslike, even when you’re carrying your hippie messenger bag and doing nothing more businesslike than doodling breasts or writing “my boss is a poop” over and over again, so I guess the build is okay.

Palm OS & Software

Yep, pretty much the same as the Tungsten T5 I bought during my last gadget DTs. Palm always has pretty good software; the PIM (Prophylactic/IUD Management) apps work pretty well, and don’t cause the PDA-throwing seizures the Outlook-ish apps found on Windows CE devices do.

I’d put more time into reviewing these, but that’s boring, and let’s face it, it’s not what you buy a PDA for. You buy a PDA for…

Porn

Despite my repeated letters to Palm on the subject, the Palm TX still does not come with any preloaded porn. It comes with some pictures (a couple of Mac-ish desktop patterns, some random palm tree), and about the gayest* music video I’ve ever seen.

But no porn.

I don’t understand this. Porn is the reason to buy a media-rich PDA. If I didn’t want it for porn, I’d buy a Zire or one of those $35 Sharp dealies I keep tripping over in the WalMart electronics section.

Sit on any given metro train in downtown Manhattan, and you’ll see 3.27 men in ill-fitting suits staring at a PDA screen. What do you think they’re looking at? Their schedules? No… they’re watching “hott young blond” doing “XXXXX”. That’s what 4″ video technology was invented for – so that men could watch porn in a wider range of situations and not be arrested.

Instead, I’m looking at a palm tree and a butterfly, because I can’t figure out how to get Star Whores Episode II – Attack of the Bones to convert to the proper video codec. Lame.

WiFi

Now to the reason I bought a TX even though I had a T5… WiFi. If I can’t have my porn preloaded, I’ll download it, damnit.

Email works. I checked my email like 20x from the TX while sitting right next to my computer. Good to know that when I’m in a jam and can’t get to my computer, I can still get my Cialis and natural breast enhancement ads from any WiFi location.

The browser’s okay. You’re not exactly gonna want to browse eBay for quilts or Conan sword replicas on it, but you can read my blog from it, and that’s all you really care about. And, it can be used in a pinch to access porn in an emergency situation. Like your bus trip to work. Or a slow day at the office. Or a board meeting.

Other Functions

Since you’re only gonna use the calendar and todo list for like a week before the frustration of writing the letter G seventeen times in a row before it registers gets the better of you, it’s good to know that the Palm TX can be used for a number of other functions:

1. Door stop
2. Hockey (not street hockey; this will void the warranty) puck
3. Bookmark
4. Ninja star (may void warranty)

Quirks

After a few days, I began to notice a few quirks that should make any potential buyer wary.

First of all, the Palm TX drinks. Like, a lot. I had almost a full bottle of Crown Royal on the table, and I set the Palm next to it. I had a couple of sips now and again, sure, but the Palm TX drained the bottle when I wasn’t looking.

And the next morning, I found it out had peed all over the floor next to the toilet. I mean, c’mon, TX, aim a little. Must have been all that drinking.

I tried to talk to Palm TX about its drinking, but it just sat there and stared at me, stoic and hostile. I guess I just don’t know it well enough yet to hold an intervention.

Conclusion

The Palm TX is a handy little porn player that looks and feels like metal and suede but isn’t. Programs are pretty good, but nobody uses them anyway, except for maybe the Solitaire. Doesn’t come preloaded with porn, but if you can figure out the video conversion, you’re in good shape. Web and email are totally handy in your imagination, even if they don’t really seem to be in reality. Consumers should be aware that the Palm TX may be a borderline alcoholic.

*I mean this in the way we used the word as children.  Actual gay people would have way better taste than this video allows.

I just want a word to explain to you why I reacted the way I did when you playfully “discovered” an invisible wall in front of me on the street the other day. I admit that kicking you in the testicles and running away screaming like a girl was an indecorous reaction, but it’s important to me to explain myself before you pass judgment on me.So I thought I would enumerate the reasons your profession gives me the willies so that we could reach an understanding the next time I happen to pass through Union Square while a non-existent wind is causing you trouble walking.

1. Your mind is anarchy. Mime requires years of rigorous physical training as well as an astute sense of spacial perception and imagination. You have chosen to put yourself through such rigors – most likely at some prestigious French art school where teachers wear faux-turtlenecks and, I don’t know, berets or something all the time – just to stand on a street corner and have dimes thrown at you. Is it so far-fetched to assume that an individual that would make this deeply disturbing choice might also choose to remove my legs with a chainsaw? I think not.
2. Look what you’re wearing. The very Frenchness of your outfit is bad enough, but – and this is real cause for concern – you’re fucking silver. Yes, silver. The color silver. You’ve painted yourself up like a giant statue that answers invisible phones. Am I really the only one who has nightmares about this?
3. You’re obviously insane. In case my earlier point about logic and self-punishment didn’t hit home, consider this: you’re playing tug-of-war with a person who isn’t really there.
4. You’re about 20 years behind the rest of us. The “robot” might have been a dance craze in 1983, but it’s 2007 and you’re still doing it. And what’s worse, you’ve added a little zip whistle thing to blow at kids who, flying in the face of all self-preservation instinct, try to touch you. And when you blew it at me last week, you got spit all over me. Great, now I’ve got hepatitis. Thanks, mime.
5. You’ve got multiple personality disorder. Yeah, I said it. Last week you were a gold cowboy, and this week you’re a silver robot. Not cool, dude. Pick a horrifying manifestation and allow me a few weeks to get used to it, would you?
6. I did acid in college. Seriously, that thing you did with the masks last week? How the hell was I supposed to know it wasn’t a flashback? One minute I’m walking to work and the world is normal, and the next minute something that looks like that guy from Powder bred with Richard Chamberlain is skittering up to me on all fours. I made a very expensive appointment with a neurologist the next day, only to find out you were real. I can’t tell which is more frightening – the idea that hallucinogens are hiding in my spinal column waiting to be unleashed during a board meeting, or the fact that you actually exist.

I just wanted you to understand why it is that I hate you. I don’t know you personally – you may be a very nice, if somewhat odd, fellow – and I didn’t want you to think it was personal. Granted, I may have called you a “child-molesting creep show” and a “freaktard,” but I meant this with all due respect, which is to say little or none at all.

Love,

Pip

There are a few matters that I would like to discuss with you, without the use of the spray bottle. Apparently, tapwater has corrosive properties when applied to cats, which may make it an effective tool for expressing anger, but not productive for a civil conversation.

The following are a few points you might keep in mind in order to foster a more nurturing relationship between us:

1. The bowls in the corner next to the scratching post are yours, and contain your food and water. The rest of the dishes in the house are mine, and contain my food. I do not sneak up when you are otherwise occupied and nibble out of your dishes; I would appreciate the same treatment in return. Granted, I do not particularly like processed liver and salmon bits, but the veterinarian has assured me that this is the preferred diet for your breed, and that Kraft macaroni, while appetizing, will do you little good in the nutrition area.*

Placing a paw upon the edge of my dish does not make the food contained therein yours. Please do not bat at me when I try to recover my own dish. If you pick a fight, it will end badly for you, as I am much bigger and have opposable thumbs.  Still, I’d prefer to keep my eyes, so let’s try to avoid confrontation.

While we’re on the topic of food, I’d like to point out that being able to see the bottom of the bowl does not necessarily mean the bowl is empty. There is no need to yell at me the instant a half-dollar-sized spot is cleared away; there is still more than enough for you to eat.

2. The door to my office is solid wood, 1.5″ thick. If, by some miracle, I manage to beat you through the doorway and shut you out, you will not be able to claw your way through the door before I am finished working; this is simple physics. You will, however, deprive me of my security deposit, which means you will be eating factory-outlet Cat Chow should I ever need to relocate.

Incidentally, my homicidal mood as I exit the office is a neurosis directly attributed to the noise of your claws on my door. If you do not wish to be drop-kicked down the stairs, I would suggest you desist.

3. I’ve been bathing myself for years; your attendance is not necessary. Yes, the water splashes on you when you smack it. Yes, it will splash you again when you timidly try it ten minutes later.

4. I’m sorry about the incident with the laser pointer. I did not know that you would charge full-tilt at the little red dot on the wall; nor did I know that you would be unable to halt your progress on the linoleum.

5. I cannot give milk, so stop treading for it. I realize that some kneading is a natural sign of affection in cats, but you’ve crossed into the realm of obsession with this behavior. Also, try to learn a bit about human physiology; when you knead certain places, it makes me very uncomfortable.

6. I’ve seen you sleep perfectly well, curled up in a ball. I wonder, then, why it is necessary for you to stretch out to your fullest extent across my bed.

7. The couch was $400. You were $50. Do the math.

8. I know you can do the math, because I’ve seen you count. You allow me to walk exactly 5 steps in any direction before you attempt to dart between my legs. This may be a really neat game for you, but the kitchen floor is hard, and I don’t always land on my feet.

9. The litterbox is under the bathroom sink; the big mound on the floor is my jacket. Please do not confuse the two.

Thank you for taking time away from eviscerating each other to address these issues. I trust that you will continue to let me know the instant you need something.

Love,
Jeremy

*Me neither.

With a strange combination of GeSHi, CSS, and WordPress plugins, I finally managed to get an LSL code pasting solution I’m happy with:

UPDATE: Got the colors tweaked right down to the background color; should be exactly the same as the in-world LSL editor (thank you, Apple Digital Color Meter).

Also, updated the GeSHi lsl.php file so that clicking the various functions and what-nots lead you directly to the right entry on http://wiki.secondlife.com.

My big concern now is that the colors/fonts are so close it looks like a screenshot; hope people realize it’s not (and that they can cut and paste).

For the record, I’d define the theme of our future (and to a large extent, our current) products as “prototype chic.”  We’re not going for sci-fi (like we did with the Black Widows), with lasers and what-not.  Rather, we want to make products that look like they could exist currently, in some DoD laboratory somewhere, but aren’t currently in use.

So, for our customers who wonder about this, let me give you my reasons why:

1. Freedom – The number one reason we don’t make replica weapons is freedom.  A Beretta 9mm operates in a very specific way; if you want to make a realistic duplicate of it, that duplicate has to behave that way as well.  That’s great, if you’re an enthusiast for modern weaponry.  But if you’re like me, and you want to make some pretty weird shit from time to time, replica weapons are too limiting.  Show me a Beretta 9mm that can fire toxic gas rounds or auto-correct your aim with intelligent targeting.  When we create products, we always reach the point in the conversation where somebody says something like this: “But how can a gun hold 235 bullets?”  Our theme enables me to respond “Who cares?  Maybe it uses some kind of micro-bullet?”
2. Theme versatility – A replica weapon locks you into a particular time period for theme/environment, which means those weapons only look right on an avatar designed with that time period in mind.  Our “prototype chic” theme, on the other hand, fits in with themes ranging from modern to sci-fi, which makes them appropriate in a wider range of settings.
3. Niche market – There are plenty of designers out there making replica weapons.  Why compete?  Better to sit in a market of our own devising, so we can focus on making the products we want, rather than worrying about what’s already been done.  If we were to make a Uzi smg, we’d have to examine the market of Uzi smgs and determine who’s done what and charged what for it.  On the other hand, nobody’s making a VX-7, because damnit, we made it up.  All we need to do is focus on making the best damned VX-7 the world has never seen.
4. Imperfections – Real life weapons have all kinds of quirks: spent shell casings, peculiar muzzle flashes, chamber movement, etc.  If we were to copy all of these quirks precisely, we’d have the laggiest weapon in existence (I’ve seen some replicas that will remain nameless in excess of 0.7 ms script time when dormant). So any replica is going to have to choose between performance and realism.  Better, in my mind, to create a perfect VX-7 (which thematically uses a propulsion system instead of casings) than an imperfect Colt 1911.
5. Load time – The VX-7s have only a few sculpties, and only a handful of well-placed textures (thank Vincent Nacon for that), which makes them easier on loading times (and on overall sim performance) than items with dozens of sculpties and textures.  We’re able to do this because we can design the guns from the ground up, without having to conform to a pre-established real life design.
6. It’s MY Second Life, damnit – And here we get to the meat of it.  I create what I want, and what I want is cool shit that doesn’t exist (yet).

So there you have it: we don’t intend to start doing replicas anytime soon.  If you want replicas, try Black Ops; they make some good ones, from what I’ve heard, with some fairly reasonable lag profiles.  There are other major brands on the market, of course, but some of them are incredibly laggy, so investigate a bit before you buy for the sake of those around you, please.

Funny, because I’ve had no contact with anybody outside my friends list for the last several days, and most of those conversations were chatting about, y’know, my cat. Or scripting questions. I’ve certainly not represented myself as a Linden in any way, shape, or form.

Upon contacting Help, I was given the usual “The Governance Team takes these matters seriously and weighs them using various…” blah blah blah. Only, if they really took this seriously, and came to the very seriously wrong conclusion… well, I’d say their policies and techniques could use some very serious review.

And they should probably start by reviewing the fact that I was never contacted in any way and asked about the infraction. If I had been, I imagine the matter would have been pretty easy to clear up, seeing as I didn’t do it.

If you’re going to issue a warning, fine, but suspension or banning without so much as providing the accused with an opportunity to speak in their defense…

I’m not asking for a Bill of Rights here, just some semblance of respect.

I can take a guess at what happened.  Somebody used Secret MSGR to impersonate a Linden.  Of course, the if I get in, the Secret MSGR servers will need to be updated to block any outgoing messages that attempt to use “*** Linden: ” as the sender.  It’s something I would have happily done in just a matter of minutes had I been sent an IM prior to being suspended, but alas, expecting LL to behave in a way that is beneficial to its residents, and not to its own convenience, is apparently too much.

Here’s the thing: You can’t encourage residents to build businesses in Second Life and then be cavalier with their livelihoods.

Update: As a result of this particular incident, Secret MSGR servers will no longer transmit messages that use the word “linden” in the sender identity.

I titled my blog “That Griefer Guy” as a joke, because I’m often known as just that, as if my only purpose as a Second Life creator has been to create chaos and disruption in sandboxes all over the grid.  The reality, however, is that I’ve never griefed anybody.  Ever.

Well, that’s not entirely true.  Once, when I was a n00b, I inadvertently set off a Hand of God (anybody remember that thing?) in a sandbox and sent 10+ people flying into orbit.  Don’t worry, they all recovered, though I was banned from that sandbox for a couple of days.  Might still be; I dunno.

I don’t eat babies, I don’t kick old people, and I don’t grief; in fact, I’m kind to children, small animals, and (most) n00bs.

It should be kept in mind that I came into Second Life in 2005, and things were very different in 2005.  Most combat was done in Rausch, and most people went there to one-up each other with whatever latest whatnot they gleaned from SLExchange or by popping around one or two shops in world.  It was an environment in which those of us in the weapons trade had a kind of hacker mentality: we wanted to push the limits just to see if we could, and it was in that spirit that we created increasingly powerful push mechanisms and tried to see if we couldn’t thwart shields with various attempts at attacks.

At the time, my father had cancer, and I was his sole caregiver, so I was understandably broke (his insurance company sucked beyond words, and he was unable to work).  I started selling my creations just for a little extra money so I could justify the time I spent on SL.  It surprised me as much as anybody when people started buying my stuff, and I was able, on a temporary basis, to support myself with the work I did in SL.

I still have that hacker mentality.  Any time I create a product, the goal behind that product is to do something new, something that pushes the envelope a bit in terms of capability,  power, whatever.  I want to see just how powerful I can make my weapons, just how interesting I can make my HUDs, etc. etc.

And then of course, there were market pressures.  Once I began supporting myself in SL, I became partly responsible to the market.  After all, I can’t pay my rent if nobody buys my goods, so I try on occasion to make what my market demands, if only so that I can feed my cat (Toby eats a lot) and occasionally myself.

I’m not rich – I live in a crappy one-bedroom apartment in Queens, NY populated with mostly Ikea furniture that is quickly passing its expiration date (trust me – plywood and canvas does have a shelf life).  I have an aging computer that’s still kind of pissed at me for enabling glow and shine.  I struggle to pay my bills and NYC’s $145 parking tickets just like anybody else, and having a low sales day stresses me out more than most receptionists or bookkeepers experience on a daily basis (I know, cuz I’ve done both jobs).

Here’s the thing – I trust my customers to make their own decisions. Sometimes that trust is misplaced; sometimes customers use a product to grief, to spam, or to generally be annoying.  But for the most part, that’s their decision, and Second Life as an environment provides its citizens with plenty of tools (such as push- and damage-restricted parcels, mute functions, etc.) to police those usages on their own terms.  I suppose I could limit the functionality of my products to only that which could never be used for annoyances, but that doesn’t seem consistent with the philosophy of an open-development virtual world.

So if somebody griefs you with a tool designed to combat griefers, or spams you with a HUD designed to encourage flirtation, or cheats in your roleplay game with a shield designed to thwart attack, I ask that you please try to remember that it’s the person, and not myself, that is making those decisions.  I understand this sounds uncomfortably like the NRA (“HUDs don’t grief people; people grief people.”) but there’s a significant contextual difference here that I like to think most avatars are smart enough to keep in mind.