Jeremy G. Pippin

Dear Creepy Street-Corner Mime, I just want a word to explain to you why I reacted the way I did when you playfully “discovered” an invisible wall in front of me on the street the other day. I admit that kicking you in the testicles and running away screaming like a girl was an indecorous [...]

I know that you do not know your own names; in fact, you may know yourselves better as “Holy Shit” and “You Little Bastard,” respectively. Chloe & Toby are the names I gave you upon adoption, however – the ones you cheerfully ignore on a daily basis. There are a few matters that I would [...]

Enough is enough. That freakin’ rabbit has been trying to get some Trix for 40 years now.  Isn’t it time to quit being a prick about it? “Trix are for kids?” Seriously.  It’s a $3 box of crappy, unreasonably-colored sugar balls with little to no nutritional value.  A cartoon rabbit is about the only thing [...]

Is 4th grade level grammar and spelling too much to ask? Really? Love, Pip P.S. I will hire a hacker to break into the iTunes account database and find the personal address of the next fucker who posts a review saying “should i wach this show? click YES if u think i should ”. Then [...]

Why.  Why.  Why.  Why? Wh- but why?  Why would you… why?  Why.  Why.  WHY. You’re a semi-moderate… why?  Why.  Why?  I don’t underst… why?  What were you going for, the neo-conservative vote?  Who else were they going to vote for, Obama?  They’re neo-cons – as a rule, they don’t like black people, much less liberal, [...]

1996 called.  They want their site design back.

Dear person with “hottie”, “babe”, or “sexy” in your email, aim, or forum username, I totally love your username. I wanted, however, just to let you in on a little-known word that might help you out in the long run: humble /ˈhÊŒmbÉ™l, ˈʌm-/ Pronunciation Key – Show Spelled Pronunciation[huhm-buhl]: adjective, not proud or arrogant; modest: [...]

Stop having plastic surgery. Now.

Dear Pretentious Grad Student, Hi! I’m the guy who sits behind you in class. You know that odd crunching noise you hear every time you speak? Yeah, that’s me griding my teeth.

Dear Latest Paparazzi Distraction, Congratulations on winning the “Angelina Jolie Third-World Child Adoption” sweepstakes. You will now be treated to the life of a normal American child… Except that your mother will never be home, you’ll have more money than God, and your every footfall will be recorded by the media for the viewing entertainment [...]