Jeremy G. Pippin

Found this post in an old blog while conducting an internet enema, and it filled me with nostalgia for the days before smartphones. Thought I’d re-post it.

Last week, I found myself shivering with cold sweats. It had been ages since I had spent a ridiculous amount of money on a marginally useful gadget. So, despite the fact that I already have a Palm Tungsten T5, I picked up the nearly identical Palm TX.

Here are my thoughts:

Build

The first thing I did when I opened the Palm TX was grope at it like a 13-year-old boy feeling up his first boob.

No, really. It was just like that. I had to struggle with the packaging, find the secret catch in the back, fumble it open, and slip a hand underneath it just to squeeze the thing a bit.

It looks almost like metal – has this oddish black chrome coating like gun bluing. And it feels almost like metal, but get this… when you bite it, it’s plastic. Go on; try it. Come to think on it, I wonder if biting it ruins the warranty?

Anyway…

Just like the almost-looks-like- and almost-feels-like-metal body, the TX comes complete with an almost-looks-like- and almost-feels-like-suede cover. This almost-looks-like an attractive PDA.

But… and this is the really important part, and I’m sure the part you guys were all actually curious about…

the stylus is real metal.

That’s right. Pure, 100% real … i don’t know… steel or something. The only bit of material in the whole damn thing that seems to be completely what it looks and feels like. We’re talking $0.03 of quality Chinese steel; now that’s quality.

Still, the thing fits perfectly in your hand (unless you’re Gary Colema) and makes you look all serious and businesslike, even when you’re carrying your hippie messenger bag and doing nothing more businesslike than doodling breasts or writing “my boss is a poop” over and over again, so I guess the build is okay.

Palm OS & Software

Yep, pretty much the same as the Tungsten T5 I bought during my last gadget DTs. Palm always has pretty good software; the PIM (Prophylactic/IUD Management) apps work pretty well, and don’t cause the PDA-throwing seizures the Outlook-ish apps found on Windows CE devices do.

I’d put more time into reviewing these, but that’s boring, and let’s face it, it’s not what you buy a PDA for. You buy a PDA for…

Porn

Despite my repeated letters to Palm on the subject, the Palm TX still does not come with any preloaded porn. It comes with some pictures (a couple of Mac-ish desktop patterns, some random palm tree), and about the gayest* music video I’ve ever seen.

But no porn.

I don’t understand this. Porn is the reason to buy a media-rich PDA. If I didn’t want it for porn, I’d buy a Zire or one of those $35 Sharp dealies I keep tripping over in the WalMart electronics section.

Sit on any given metro train in downtown Manhattan, and you’ll see 3.27 men in ill-fitting suits staring at a PDA screen. What do you think they’re looking at? Their schedules? No… they’re watching “hott young blond” doing “XXXXX”. That’s what 4″ video technology was invented for – so that men could watch porn in a wider range of situations and not be arrested.

Instead, I’m looking at a palm tree and a butterfly, because I can’t figure out how to get Star Whores Episode II – Attack of the Bones to convert to the proper video codec. Lame.

WiFi

Now to the reason I bought a TX even though I had a T5… WiFi. If I can’t have my porn preloaded, I’ll download it, damnit.

Email works. I checked my email like 20x from the TX while sitting right next to my computer. Good to know that when I’m in a jam and can’t get to my computer, I can still get my Cialis and natural breast enhancement ads from any WiFi location.

The browser’s okay. You’re not exactly gonna want to browse eBay for quilts or Conan sword replicas on it, but you can read my blog from it, and that’s all you really care about. And, it can be used in a pinch to access porn in an emergency situation. Like your bus trip to work. Or a slow day at the office. Or a board meeting.

Other Functions

Since you’re only gonna use the calendar and todo list for like a week before the frustration of writing the letter G seventeen times in a row before it registers gets the better of you, it’s good to know that the Palm TX can be used for a number of other functions:

1. Door stop
2. Hockey (not street hockey; this will void the warranty) puck
3. Bookmark
4. Ninja star (may void warranty)

Quirks

After a few days, I began to notice a few quirks that should make any potential buyer wary.

First of all, the Palm TX drinks. Like, a lot. I had almost a full bottle of Crown Royal on the table, and I set the Palm next to it. I had a couple of sips now and again, sure, but the Palm TX drained the bottle when I wasn’t looking.

And the next morning, I found it out had peed all over the floor next to the toilet. I mean, c’mon, TX, aim a little. Must have been all that drinking.

I tried to talk to Palm TX about its drinking, but it just sat there and stared at me, stoic and hostile. I guess I just don’t know it well enough yet to hold an intervention.

Conclusion

The Palm TX is a handy little porn player that looks and feels like metal and suede but isn’t. Programs are pretty good, but nobody uses them anyway, except for maybe the Solitaire. Doesn’t come preloaded with porn, but if you can figure out the video conversion, you’re in good shape. Web and email are totally handy in your imagination, even if they don’t really seem to be in reality. Consumers should be aware that the Palm TX may be a borderline alcoholic.

*I mean this in the way we used the word as children.  Actual gay people would have way better taste than this video allows.